I'm tired

I am not tired of forgiving

But I am tired of not being forgiven

I am not tired of finding excuses for you 

But I am tired of finding flaws in me

I will never tire of being a door mat; a punchbag

But I am tired of not finding one to let my grief out

I am not tired of never judging

But I am tired of being judged. All the time.

I am not tired of justifying every wrong action and make it right, 

I am tired of not having someone to justify mine in the right way for me

I am not tired of finding the beauty in the beast 

But I am tired of people finding the beast in me

I am not tired of understanding

But I am tired of being misunderstood

I am not tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve

But I am tired of having it trampled.

I am not tired of doing a million things

But I am tired of being found fault for one.

I am not tired of Life 

But I am tired of life trying me out, to my very end.

~ taken from 'The blog of small things' 

La mia famiglia

Going against the family...

There are so many tricky things you navigate through divorce.  A big one for me is coming to terms with the rejection from people I love (who once loved me).  My affection towards them has not altered, in fact everything remains the same.  I'm not seeking a divorce from them, but how they view me has changed dramatically.  And it's horrible.  There is a big gaping hole left in my life where those people once were.  And the people I am talking about is family.

Confused to Confucius?

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"People say everything happens for a reason. These people are usually women. And these women are usually sorting through a break up . It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a goodbye, but apparently women have to either get married or learn something. Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius? Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?"

~ Sex and the City (season 6, episode 7)

A million tiny pieces

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I'm in naval gazing mode tonight, and I sit here and ponder if I'll ever find someone to love.

If I'll ever find someone who'll love me, someone to cherish and be cherished by?

People make big messes of life. I am no exception. But in all this mess will there be some goodness?

It's true...the very thought of being enslaved to marriage is enough to make me want to vomit. But love is something different altogether. I have expereienced marriage and I have experienced love and (for me) they are 2 polar opposites.  

In this little heart of mine lays a world of pain. Pain of mistakes, pain of loss, pain of misplaced ideals. Broken pieces of a barely breathing story. Where there once was love, now there's only me and the lonely.

10 facebook status updates you missed (because they were in my head)

Don't drink and Facebook

1. I'm screaming...why can no one hear me?


2. I'm after blood today and I'm not gonna stop until I get it


3. Hip hip hooray for happy hour...at home :(


4. I. NEED. SEX. DESPERATELY


5. I feel so sad and broken.  Will someone put me back together again, please?


6. New Milestone: I made it to 6:13pm without a drink. Woop!


7. I want to die.


8. First time in 2 weeks I've woken up without a hangover. Yay for me!


9. I feel soooooooo alone in this world.


10. My life is completely fucked.  What I need is a fuck.  Maybe I'll feel better then?

Terrible Love

It's a terrible love
And I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in
It's a terrible love
And I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in
It's quiet company
It's quiet company

It's a terrible love
And I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love that I'm walking in
It's a terrible love
And I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love that I'm walking in
It's quiet company
It's quiet company
It's quiet company

And I can't fall asleep
Without a little help
It takes awhile
To settle down
My shivered bones
Wait til the panics out

It takes an ocean not to break
Company
It's quite a company
It's quiet company

And I won't follow you
Into the rabbit hole
I said I would
But then I saw
Your shivered bones
They didn't want me to

It's a terrible love
And I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in
It's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in

It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break

Written by Matthew D Berninger & Aaron B Dessner 

Lead me. Please.

                 Anaïs Nin

Despite being separated officially for only 6 months, I feel very ready to move on.  

Well intentioned friends keep telling me 'the professionals say wait at least 2 years before you resume a new relationship'.  In all honesty dear friends, you have no understanding of this heart of mine nor the road it has walked over the last 14-16 years.  

Am I needy to admit I want to be loved? That I crave to be touched and cherished? 

I've had the fortune recently to experience a very brief but intense relationship.  Sadly it ended rather tragically, but still...it gave me a window into what really being in love is.  It is wonderful.   And, I want someone to love and someone to love me in return.

I especially love this quote by Anais Nin

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

Me too.