Sunday, 8 December 2013

Make you feel my love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

The Big Sleep

A dear friend asked me today if I was depressed.  She had noticed among other things for the last little while I was not my usual ‘shiny self’. And, I had to stop and think about it.  Yes, I confess I’ve had ‘the blues’ in recent times, which I put down to a rather large amalgamation of life’s stresses, but then I realized ­I have lost all motivation, tenacity and joy that I usually hold in great reserves.

I’m not entirely sure why I am depressed.

Perhaps it’s the stress of life.

Perhaps it’s the emotional deluge of bad choices made recently.  Despite all the signposts beckoning me for caution, I ploughed ahead with gleeful abandon.  

NO one wants to feel the sting of rejection, especially when they’ve put themselves out there.  I just want to be loved.  Is this such a hard task? People are forever telling me how wonderful I am.  How beautiful I am.  How lovely I am.  How kind I am.  How thoughtful I am.   Some even go as far to say what a wonderful partner I’d make.  Yet none of these things have equated to a companion.  To someone who actually wants to spend life with me.  Who values me.  Loves me.  Wants me.  Treasures me. 

What is wrong with me?

Monday, 31 December 2012

Happy New Year

I can say with zero reservation, I am glad to see the back end of 2012.  Not my finest year...especially in the last innings. 

But for the first time in my life I am alone and free to make the decisions I want.  What a liberating feeling to know I am the master and commander of my domain. 

Whatever your experiences this year, may 2013 be filled with hope, joy and love from the very beginning to the very end and may you be able to navigate all that lays in between with strength and dignity.  

Cheers xxx

PS...I have no idea who Neil Gaiman is, but I like what he has to say in the quote above!

Sunday, 16 December 2012

The non-monogamists

The Purple Mobius symbol for polyamory and non-monogamy

I want to be loved. Loved and solely treasured by someone I love and respect. But Samantha Jones said it best “This love stuff is a motherfucker”.

Last weekend I found myself falling in love with someone I had applied an expiry date to. The fascinating thing is, as soon as I found out he had an expiry date for me I was out of there. Hypocrisy? Totally!

I've been thinking about monogamy a lot lately, or perhaps the opposite of monogamy. Is it such a stretch to conclude one person cannot meet all our emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual needs? In a day and age where most things come with numerous options, the evolution of 'relationship' to relationship derivatives seems like a natural progression.

It is said when a women ovulates she unwittingly looks to mate with an alpha male for reasons that are obvious...alpha males are predominately successful, strong, and stable. All things that you would desire for your offspring. Yet, throughout other parts of her cycle she seeks out the beta male – a companion who is kind, gentle, sensitive and understanding. It is also pertinent to add beta males make better active fathers. So under the constraints of marriage 'forsaking all others' who should she choose? The lover or the companion?

Men have a far better deal based on the fact that women are complicated and thankfully due to this complication they get a lover, friend, wife and mother in one package. A women is able to juggle hats and if you're lucky, in time she is able to morph all 4 into one. So the question begs; on what basis do men select their partners? They are not hostage to a menstrual cycle, nor are they wired biologically for specific gene selection.

Here is the thing...more and more I find myself loosing faith in monogamy. But without a doubt it is what I desire for be someone's ONE and ONLY.  Yet, in the same breath I have great doubts I could find a 'one and only'.  Am I being greedy? Maybe.

It all goes back to having your pie and eating it too. I look around and see some average relationships, and some fabulous ones. I wonder if they've found the secret? They have either found the one who literally does complete them, although the very notion of needing someone to complete me is total bullshit. I feel complete as a person – but maybe that's my problem? Have these people found the answer? deny part of themselves to become one? Perhaps. Or maybe it's just a facade.

In the midst of drought, a mirage can be easy to fall for. Especially when the real thing is still a long, unforeseeable journey away. 

All I know is I am incredibly thirsty.

Cover your tracks

Heart, cover your tracks
The blood that you spill will wash what you lack
Soul, sew up your wounds
Test out your engine. Give it some room
Mind, pick up your pace
Capture the thoughts you always chase
Soul, open your wings
Lift this cage higher than any dream

Cover your tracks
Sew up your wounds
Pick up your pace
Open your wings

Heart, flesh out your webs
The past that was tangled will unwrap & shed
Soul, sing out your songs
Clear out your throat. Belt it out strong

~ Dave Wilton

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Things I wish I never knew

Wow.  There have been quite a few entries in this little book over the weekend.

I am really looking forward to the day I have a functional relationship with a male.

I am tired of being shocked, disillusioned and disappointed with every single male relationship in my life (with the exception of my son).

That is all.

Monday, 12 November 2012

I'm tired

I am not tired of forgiving
But I am tired of not being forgiven

I am not tired of finding excuses for you 
But I am tired of finding flaws in me

I will never tire of being a door mat; a punchbag
But I am tired of not finding one to let my grief out

I am not tired of never judging
But I am tired of being judged. All the time.

I am not tired of justifying every wrong action and make it right, 
I am tired of not having someone to justify mine in the right way for me

I am not tired of finding the beauty in the beast 
But I am tired of people finding the beast in me

I am not tired of understanding
But I am tired of being misunderstood

I am not tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve
But I am tired of having it trampled.

I am not tired of doing a million things
But I am tired of being found fault for one.

I am not tired of Life 
But I am tired of life trying me out, to my very end.