I'm tired

I am not tired of forgiving

But I am tired of not being forgiven

I am not tired of finding excuses for you 

But I am tired of finding flaws in me

I will never tire of being a door mat; a punchbag

But I am tired of not finding one to let my grief out

I am not tired of never judging

But I am tired of being judged. All the time.

I am not tired of justifying every wrong action and make it right, 

I am tired of not having someone to justify mine in the right way for me

I am not tired of finding the beauty in the beast 

But I am tired of people finding the beast in me

I am not tired of understanding

But I am tired of being misunderstood

I am not tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve

But I am tired of having it trampled.

I am not tired of doing a million things

But I am tired of being found fault for one.

I am not tired of Life 

But I am tired of life trying me out, to my very end.

~ taken from 'The blog of small things' 

La mia famiglia

Going against the family...

There are so many tricky things you navigate through divorce.  A big one for me is coming to terms with the rejection from people I love (who once loved me).  My affection towards them has not altered, in fact everything remains the same.  I'm not seeking a divorce from them, but how they view me has changed dramatically.  And it's horrible.  There is a big gaping hole left in my life where those people once were.  And the people I am talking about is family.

Confused to Confucius?

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"People say everything happens for a reason. These people are usually women. And these women are usually sorting through a break up . It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a goodbye, but apparently women have to either get married or learn something. Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius? Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?"

~ Sex and the City (season 6, episode 7)

A million tiny pieces

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I'm in naval gazing mode tonight, and I sit here and ponder if I'll ever find someone to love.

If I'll ever find someone who'll love me, someone to cherish and be cherished by?

People make big messes of life. I am no exception. But in all this mess will there be some goodness?

It's true...the very thought of being enslaved to marriage is enough to make me want to vomit. But love is something different altogether. I have expereienced marriage and I have experienced love and (for me) they are 2 polar opposites.  

In this little heart of mine lays a world of pain. Pain of mistakes, pain of loss, pain of misplaced ideals. Broken pieces of a barely breathing story. Where there once was love, now there's only me and the lonely.