Abandonment has been a common theme in my life, but the more I listen the more I realise just how prevalent around me it is.
From here on in please note: A = abandonment.
The very worst form of A has to be parental A. It speaks volumes directly to your core being when your own flesh and blood leaves you. You are left to hope for a replacement or learn some way to compensate for the void left behind. And, as a child you are not emotionally mature enough to resource a replacement, so you are left
not only alone but
left reduced to a less than functional human being unlike the fully operational ones around you. The effects of this are incomprehensible. We are spiritual beings inside a body, and while our body might show minimal effects to such rejection, our spirit I'm sure is damaged beyond repair.
Within hours of giving birth to me, my own mother got up and walked out of the hospital. It took weeks for them to locate her. Now, I didn't know that little fact until I was in my early twenties, yet within me from as long as I can remember there has been a feeling of unworthiness, sadness and loneliness, which was only compounded by my (adopted) mother prioritising other siblings, people and things above me constantly. But in fairness, her own mother did the same to her. So what do we say? If it was done to you, it's excusable?
Up until recently I couldn't understand what drove a parent to abandon their own child. But, as I laid in bed the other week, unable to even get up, I was ready to hand sole care of my children over to my husband. Totally overcome by everything that was happening in my life, I was unable to even get even one foot out of bed from pure physical and emotional exhaustion. I felt totally incapable of being a mother.
I needed a mother. I needed caring. If I was unable to care for myself, how on earth was I going to care for my children? I couldn't believe things had come to that point. But unable to even see even as far ahead as the afternoon, I resigned myself to despair.
What changed? Well, luckily for me a friend happened to reach out at the right time and helped pull me out of the hole. And that was all I needed - to know I wasn't alone, that there were other people who understood, walked in my shoes and were more than ready to take up the call to help.
If you've experienced repeated A in your life I bet you're a self sufficient one-man island. You have self preservation down to an art. However, carrying everything on your own can get heavy and the island can begin to sink without a ship in sight. If you're too tired to swim, are you going to sink or are you going to reach out?
